Spa Daze

Comic written and illustrated by Ryan Reid

Panel 1: A seemingly limitless space. GIANT EGGS float in an unseen grid formation above a dark floor, far into the distance.

Panel 2: CRACK!! ROBOT’S LEG breaks through one of the eggs! Shell falls everywhere.

Panel  3: ROBOT sits, breathless, on the floor beneath the GIANT EGG he just escaped from. He’s surrounded by EGG GOOP and shell bits.

Panel 4: FRANCIS wanders in, with a GIGANTIC SQUID THING on her head. She’s enjoying a SMOOTHIE through a VERY SQUIRRELLY STRAW. She is very relaxed.

ROBOT

Where have you been?

FRANCIS

Hot squid massage. Smoothie Bar. You?

Panel 5: The dark nothing between time and space.

ROBOT (Voice over)

I awoke lost and alone - traversing the dark nothing between time and space. My younger self showed me all the ways we could avoid this inevitable future, and we laughed and laughed. Then I lost $200 playing billiards against the Horseshoe Nebula, ate a light lunch, and took a short nap.

Panel 6: ROBOT and FRANCIS retire to the SMOOTHIE BAR.

ROBOT

It was narrated by Morgan Freeman!

FRANCIS

Cosmic Spa Day is the best spa day!

Yearly Problems

Comic written and illustrated by Ryan Reid

Panel 1: Daytime in a nondescript back alley. CROW 1 stands on the edge of a DUMPSTER, while CROW 2 looks up from deep inside the large garbage bin. They are looking for lunch, and not having much luck.

CROW 1

I don’t think it’s fair that the hoomans blame the year for all their problems.

CROW 2

Wut?

Panel 2: CROW 1, now chewing on what appears to be discarded electrical wire.

CROW 1

Imagine you’re the year, going about your yearly business - changing seasons, renewing magazines, making babies, I don’t know…when suddenly, some hoomans elect a bad leader, start a pandemic, get a lousy haircut, and then blame YOU for all of it!

Panel 3: CROW 2 is head down in the DUMPSTER,

CROW 2

Well, it’s like my Mama used to say - “Blaming celestial mechanics for your problems is far easier than finding lunch in a hardware store dumpster.”

Panel 4: CROW 1 is now chewing on MATCHES. CROW 2 is entertained as the MATCHES light up, and drop into the DUMPSTER.

CROW 1

Too true. Oh, don’t try these stick things. They are not great. 2 stars. Do not recommend.

CROW 2

Oh! They light up. That’s fun.

Panel 5: The DUMPSTER catches FIRE, and the CROWS fly away in a big hurry.

CROW 1

ACK! Not fun! It wasn’t me! The year did it! Ha ha!

CROW 2

It’s the revenge of the stoopid year! Oh, why weren’t we nicer?! Ha ha!

Panel 6: The CROWS fly off into the distance, leaving a large PLUME OF SMOKE, and a raging DUMPSTER FIRE behind them.

CROW 1

Maybe if hoomans don’t like years so much, they should just stop revolving around the sun.

CROW 2

That WOULD make all their problems go away. But don’t give them any ideas.

Stress Distress

Comic written and illustrated by Ryan Reid

Panel 1: EXT., DAY, SNOW PLANET. ROBOT and FRANCIS, terrified, hide behind a boulder. Vicious ZOMBIE SNOW BEASTS look everywhere for them.

FRANCIS

I’m fairly certain this excursion is taking years off my life.

ROBOT

Really? Which years, do you think?

FRANCIS

Beg pardon?

Panel 2

ROBOT

I read this very scientific study that said stress, while already universally disliked for being an all-round jerk, can also travel through time and space to affect any part of your life.

Panel 3

ROBOT

For example, your stress from these Zombie Snow Beasts is transmitting through time and space as we speak. It might travel backwards, and be the reason you felt sad and alone for two weeks in the farmyard paddock as a young lamb.

Panel 4: A diagram shows how the stress from the ZOMBIE SNOW BEASTS could potentially affect FRANCIS throughout her entire life, traveling back in time to make her sad in the paddock, or possibly traveling forward and killing her with a heart attack tomorrow. Several unrelated moments in FRANCIS’s life are also labelled on her time line: birthday, electric fence (yikes), hay bail concussion, meets Robot, angry crow incident, and space piranhas.

Panel 5

ROBOT

Or it might travel forward and kill you with a heart attack tomorrow. This is why stress doesn’t get invited to any fun parties.

Panel 6

FRANCIS

This universe is really stupid. I want my years back!

ROBOT

Not to worry, I’ve got just the thing.

Panel 7: Robot pulls out two very large blaster gun things. CATHARSIS! RAY™ appears above them, as the ZOMBIE SNOW BEASTS are now aware of them.

Panel 8: ROBOT and FRANCIS blast all of the ZOMBIE SNOW BEASTS with the CATHARSIS! RAY™ blaster gun thingies.

Panel 9: More blasting.

Panel 10

FRANCIS

I feel ten years younger!!

ROBOT

That’s probably radiation. These things are not safe at all.

Tough Crowd

Comic written and illustrated by Ryan Reid

Panel 1: OUTSIDE, NIGHT. A poster on a brick wall advertises Open Mic Nite at THE COMEDY PLACE.

GHOST (voice over)

…and then the first crow says “So, what happened to all his hats?”! Ha,ha!

Panel 2: DEATH and a GHOST exit through the back door of THE COMEDY PLACE into the ALLEY.

GHOST

Get it? He said “What happened to all his hats?”.

DEATH (Unconvinced the joke was funny)

I got it.

Panel 3: DEATH and GHOST walk the ALLEY.

GHOST

But you’re not laughing. I guess being Death doesn’t require much of a sense of humour.

DEATH

What? I have a great sense of humour. Here, I know a joke -

Panel 4

DEATH

Knock, knock.

Panel 5

GHOST

Who’s there?

Panel 6

DEATH

Nobody. You’re dead.

Panel 7

DEATH

Hee, hee, hee, hee!

Panel 8

DEATH

Get it? Because you’re dead.

GHOST (Annoyed)

I got it.

Thirds #4

Comic written and illustrated by Ryan Reid

Panel 1: Morning, street curb. 2 CROWS pick food from GARBAGE BAGS.

CROW 1

This is the worst cotton candy I’ve ever had!

CROW 2

That’s a bag of dryer lint.

Panel 2: Beat. CROW 1 considers this new information, while CROW 2 continues picking DRYER LINT from the GARBAGE BAG.

Panel 3

CROW 1

In that case it’s pretty good.

CROW 2

Hints of oak and licorice, with a shiny polyester finish.

Thirds #3

Comic written and illustrated by Ryan Reid

Panel 1: Outside, patio. ROLAND relaxes in along chair. MICHA reads a food magazine.

ROLAND

Do you ever look around the room and think “I’m surrounded by really good people - I must be the jerk”?

MICHA

No. For me it’s a given.

Support System

Comic written and illustrated by Ryan Reid

Panel 1: SPACE. A dirty smoke trail careens toward a cube shaped ALIEN PLANET. CRASH!

Panel 2: ROBOT and FRANCIS stand near their ship. FRANCIS is wiping her hands on a RAG. They are surrounded by nondescript BOXES, stacked high into the sky.

FRANCIS

The phlang-o-tron is on the fritz. I fixed it, but it needs be replaced.

ROBOT

Good work! Let’s get out of here - these boxes are giving me the heebie-jeebies!

BOX

I earn a root beer float for good work!

Panel 3: ROBOT and FRANCIS freak out at the unexpected voice.

FRANCIS

Who said that?!

ROBOT

Gah! All these boxes have people trapped in them!

Panel 4: The PERSON IN THE BOX explains.

PERSON IN THE BOX

We’re not trapped! We just work and live in these tiny boxes until we die, or until we are no longer valuable to the system.

Panel 5: ROBOT and FRANCIS examine the stack of BOXES, while considering the argument by the PERSON IN THE BOX. ROBOT leans on the box they are talking to.

FRANCIS

That doesn’t sound like you’re NOT trapped.

ROBOT

Also, it looks like you all are just supporting the guy on top.

Panel 6: Sitting atop the tall stack of boxes is an OBESE CAT-LIKE CREATURE in a TOP HAT. It’s far too large to be sitting on such a narrow tower of boxes.

PERSON IN THE BOX

No, we’re all equal! I mean, he gets paid more, and has a nicer view, and controls the root beer float box, but…hey, is my box moving? HEY!

Panel 7: ROBOT stumbles, as the BOX he’s leaning on slides out of from under him.

ROBOT

Uh oh.

Panel 8: STACKS OF BOXES topple to the ground. ROBOT and FRANCIS run for their lives!

FRANCIS

RUN!

Panel 9: ROBOT and FRANCIS fly away from the planet in their SPACE SHIP, as the PLANET falls into ruin.

Panel 10: ROBOT and FRANCIS, safe aboard their SHIP, enjoy ROOT BEER FLOATS.

FRANCIS

Lucky for us the root beer float box fell right into the ship as we were running for our lives!

ROBOT

Good work!

Thirds #2

Comic written and illustrated by Ryan Reid

Panel 1

CROW 1

The world is on fire.

CROW 2

Have you thought of a way to save it?

Panel 2: CROW 1 is standing on a big bag of marshmallows, holding a marshmallow roasting stick.

CROW 1

Not exactly.

Thirds 1

Comic written and illustrated by Ryan Reid

Panel 1 - DEATH is leading a GHOST to the great beyond. Behind them, a ladder leans against a garage roof. A bottle balances on the peak.

GHOST

I guess I should’ve worn a mask, huh?

Panel 2

DEATH

Well, yeah, but more immediately maybe you shouldn’t have been drinking on the roof of your garage during allergy season.

Panel 3

GHOST

So, maybe?

DEATH

Sure. Whatever, man.

Magical Facts

Comic written and illustrated by Ryan Reid

Panel 1: Voices come from a tree, in an old churchyard. It’s the CROWS.

CROW 2

Hey, is that the squirrel that’s got it in for you? It looks angry.

CROW 1

I don’t believe in squirrels, so it can’t hurt me.

Panel 2: CROWS are conversing on a tree branch. CROW 2 is only half listening, more interested in the SQUIRREL farther up the tree, and off panel.

CROW 2

It’s carrying a lot of acorns for such a tiny animal.

CROW 1

In fact, I don’t believe in anything inconvenient, difficult to understand, or harmful to me.

Panel 3: CROW 2 continues to watch the SQUIRREL with some interest.

CROW 2

Oh, wait, his friends have come to help him. That’s nice.

CROW 1

Global pandemic, climate change, facts, squirrels. None of it exists.

Panel 4: CROW 1, who was also only half listening to CROW 2, finally clues in.

CROW 2

Oh! You should probably move.

CROW 1

What? Why?

Panel 5: But it’s too late. The unseen SQUIRRELS bombard CROW 1 with acorns, knocking him out of the tree.

CROW 1

Ow! Ow! Hey! Ow! Stop! Ow! Oh! Hey! Er! Oof! Hey! Ow! Stup- Ow!

Panel 6: CROW 2, unharmed by the previous onslaught, calls down to CROW 1, lying in great discomfort on the ground below.

CROW 2

Good thing squirrels don’t exist, or you’d be in a lot of pain right now!

CROW 1

Stupid squirrels! Stop suppressing my beliefs!